A Duet of Nolens Volens Raillery
by Uboa
Summary: Cast aside as a zero, none could see the diamond in the rough she was. To bring out that precious gem, all it takes is the right touch. Willing or unwilling, Louise is about to get just that... and much more. The Devil's Roulette is spinning.


After a long time, it seems I'm back to writing again. I recently reignited an interest in Zero no Tsukaima, so here I am in a strangely familiar position. I'm not too sure where this will take me, but let's see, yeah?

This story is best viewed at 1/2 page setting.

Disclaimer: Does anyone even care about this?

* * *

**A Duet of Nolens Volens Raillery**

A Zero no Tsukaima story by Tempest Dynasty

Chapter 01:

_"...An inelegant familiar."_

* * *

Within the deep, black void, hidden spotlights illuminated three points on the empty floor, with three people standing in those lights. A boy, right in his teens and wearing a blue and white parka, school bag, and sneakers, stood in the center; on the right, a decidedly androgynous fellow with a number of oversized weapons adorning his (or her) body, age unknown (possibly undecided too), and an utter lack of anything that resembled clothing; lastly, on the left, an older man in weathered but sturdy-looking garments, gloves, and a small haversack slung over a shoulder.

Alone, they stood in this endless space, in varying states of confusion or in the middle person's instance, cool indifference.

"Uh… so either of your know what's going on here?" the left man asked, looking at the other two.

"Eh? N-No, I don't…" the boy seemed particularly lost, anxious eyes scanning the endless dark around them.

The middle one would make no response, opting only to stare forward in expectation. Mr. Left noticed that.

"You seem like a fellow that at least understands what's going on. Why not share your observations?"

"…"

Mr. Left sighed, "Hey, if you're going to speak in ellipses, at least go with the non-verbal communication. Mind reading isn't a skill of mine."

He/She/It fixed a solid glare at him before delicately raising a thin finger to point upwards. Left and Right followed the invisible line and looked up.

Above them, gigantic glowing yellow letters and rapidly blinking lights boldly told them the purpose of their being here:

**CHOOSE YOUR FAMILIAR.**

"What."

_**Welcome to the Springtime Familiar Summoning Ritual~!**_

_**Don't worry about my name or where you are, because you won't remember a thing after this~!**_

"...What."

_**Buuut do be ready for the next exciting chapter in your life, serving under a fair maiden as her trusty familiar!**_

_**Whoever is the lucky winner is in for a wild ride!**_

Dumbstruck, they could only stare stupidly at the floating letters when a large white glove suddenly blinked into existence right over their heads, hovering almost menacingly as it pointed a single finger down.

"What the hell? Finger?" Mr. Left gaped, the strange thing right over him.

"What's going on?" Right boy did not like the looks of things.

"…"

With a sound that was a combination of a bell chime and a metallic ding, the floating hand snapped over to the middle person, of who did nothing in reaction. Another sound, and the finger was over the boy of the right, causing him to flinch away from the thing.

A third ring, then a fourth, the three merely watched as this seemingly godlike finger hovered over them, guided by an unseen force.

"What is this, a lottery?"

"I… I think it's choosing one of us," the boy seemed less disturbed now after realizing the hand wasn't out to hurt them. Yet.

"Even better," Lefty sighed, shaking a fist at the omnipotent thing, "Damn you, floating hand! How dare you control our fates! Not even my mother did that!"

The one in the middle still had nothing to say.

For the longest time, the hand lingered over the boy, leading them all to believe that the choice was obvious. Then it snapped over to the left man and blinked, followed by a strange, cheery chirping sound. A choice had been made.

"Ah crap."

The lights turned off save for one, the words above dimming like dying stars and the hand fading away. The man seemed alone, now.

"God dammit Yu—"

He fell.

* * *

Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière, third daughter of the noble family La Vallière of the north-eastern territory of Tristain, a second year student at the Tristain Academy of Magic, and known by the woeful title of Louise the Zero, blinked. She blinked as the smoke cleared from the sacred Springtime Familiar Summoning ritual, revealing not a noble creature or valiant beast worthy of her standing, but a dirty, dust-covered man in strange clothing.

No way. Is this really…?

He sat, dazed and confused, in the middle of the summoning circle. Clad in a strange faded grey-green sweater with its sleeves rolled to his elbows, metal-plated gloves, worn khaki pants with bizarre pockets on the side, and dusty boots, he definitely did not seem like any person she had seen before. Worse, he had some silly looking scarf, an astonishing array of bands and belts, a military cap with dark goggles wrapped around it, and a haversack of sorts slung over his back. What the hell was this person?

The stranger looked around, his head jerking about at each and every new sight. Some of the other students flinched away from the person's gaze, either in disgust or minor fear. Really, had he never seen students before? What a fool!

"I'm not in Kansas, am I?"

It spoke! In a weird language, even! Aaaaggh, this could not get any worse! But then, he moved, pushing off the ground and dusting himself up. With a quiet "hup!" he stood to his full height. Huge! Unbelieveably huge! He towered over the gathered students, and even the professor! The only things bigger than him were the larger familiars previously summoned, but even then they were creatures! This was definitely a man, and he was a giant!

His head cocked down, looking at the girl that barely reached his ribcage.

"Pink hair?"

Well, at least communication won't be a problem.

"Hey, hey! Louise! What are you doing, summoning a commoner? A dirty one, that that!" someone shouted from the crowd behind her.

"Of course she'd mess up the summoning spell! She's Louise the Zero, after all!" the gathered people laughed, much to the girl's growing ire.

"S-Shut up! I just made a mistake, that's all!" she shouted back, a flush overtaking her cheeks.

"Oh, right. You made a mistake! Like everything else you've done!"

Before she could make another retort, however, a bald man pushed his way through the crowd.

"All right, class, that is enough," he quieted the class with those words, peering over to the young girl. "Miss Valliere, please proceed with the ceremony."

"Wait! Mr. Colbert, there must have been a mistake! Let me redo the summoning ceremony!"

The man shook his head, "I'm afraid I cannot allow that, Miss Valliere. Despite what you may think, the summoning was a success. This commoner is your familiar."

"But—!"

"I am sorry, Miss Valliere, but I cannot make any exceptions. The Springtime Familiar Summoning is a hallowed event; allowing do-overs would trivialize the ritual. Besides, it would be unfair to your fellow students. Whether it pleases you or not, you will have to accept what you got. … Heh, that rhymed!"

The strawberry-blonde looked over to the man Colbert was motioning to, a feeling of revile and disgust welling up in her stomach. An unkempt, dirty, unshaven commoner that hadn't bathed in a good long while; this was to be her familiar? Revolting. Disgusting. Mortifying. And worst of all, disgraceful.

She grimaced, looking away with undisguised shame. Was she truly a failure, summoning this unclean… thing? Her face hardened, her body steeling itself. No. She was responsible for her actions, and if this commoner was to be her familiar, then so be it.

"Familiar, kneel before me."

She had to crane her neck just to see her familiar eye to eye, unwilling to back down from this challenge. Yes, this was just a great labor in which to prove her superiority later on. She will overcome this.

The man, upon hearing the command, merely grinned through his substantial beard and said a single word:

"Petite."

"Wha—" she squawked, mouth open in shock. "H-how dare you address your master in such a way!"

"Master? Is that what this whole thing is about?"

"Yes! I am your master, and I am ordering you to kneel down!"

"Hmm," he made a sound, then he shrugged. "No."

Gasps and a wave of feverish whispers erupted from the gathered students. Even the teacher Colbert was struck dumb by the brazen act of disrespect to a noble. Louise, in comparison, was absolutely livid. How dare he! How dare this… this dog refuse to obey!

"Wha—you—how—?" the magician girl could scarcely get a word out.

"Here I am, in a strange time and place, and someone is telling me to get on my knees. Good grief! Who are you supposed to be, the flipping Queen?"

Right on cue, another drum roll of gasps, this time punctuated by mocking cat calls, resounded in the courtyard.

"You really are a failure, Louise! You can't even get your familiar to listen to you!" again, that same voice called out from the crowd, but before anyone could even start to ride the coattails of his mean jest, they were silenced by a chilling look from the would-be familiar.

"Hey. I'm talking to the lady here," he said, singling out the perpetrator amidst the sea of stunned face with a particularly harsh stare. "Go somewhere else and play with your mole cricket."

The showy blonde-haired boy's resultant indignant squawk was subsequently ignored as the man turned his attention back to Louise, his look softening.

"Look, just explain to me where I am and why I'm here. You need to understand that I am feeling pretty lost here, and it is hard to cooperate when you're confused, yeah? Do me that favor and I promise to be more accommodating."

His softer tone successfully cooled Louise's ire for the most part, though her indignant look remained. She had to admit that he spoke some truth, however, and perhaps giving the dog a treat first will help put him to heel.

"This place is the Tristan Academy of Magic, located within the great country of Tristan," she explained calmly, gesturing to her self in the end. "I am Louise de la Valliere, and you have been summoned here to become my familiar."

To her (pleasant) surprise, the man merely nodded.

"I don't suppose we're bordered by Gallia, Roma, and Britannia, are we?"

Oh? Perhaps he is not as uneducated as she had believed… but what's with those weird names? "What is Britannia? Gallia is to the south, and Germania to the east. Romalia is further south of Gallia, and Albion is to the east."

"Albion…" he repeated, looking thoughtful. "I seem to have gone back in time. _Again_."

"What are you talking about?" Louise felt the frustration welling up in her again.

"No, I suppose it's nothing," the man murmured, at last dropping down to kneel. "Alright, girly. What's being a familiar about?"

"It's…" she opened her mouth to explain, though she peered over the shoulder. She flinched back, catching the impatient looks from her classmates.

It seemed he caught on to it too, "Well, I suppose you can explain that part later. So what's the purpose of having me kneel?"

"Rrrgghh…!"

Argh… fine! This was fine, wasn't it? She got a familiar, and now she was going to finalize the contract! Louise waved her wand, chanting an aria as she did so. Repeating it over and over, she tapped his forehead with the wand. Finally, with a grimace, she leaned in and found his lips with hers.

Ugh. The beard was itchy as hell and this was hardly a noble kiss. The lips were dry and chapped, rough to the touch. This was the worst first kiss ever…!

"I swear to God, if Chris Hansen comes out here anytime soon, I will kill you all," he muttered, just loud enough for only Louise to hear as she pulled away as soon as she could. At first she scoffed at the idea, but looking at his expression, he did not seem all that pleased.

"It is done," Louise announced, much to the pleasure of the teacher.

"Excellent, Miss Valliere! I think this is the first time you've managed to conduct a spell successfully!"

"Yeah, good job, Zero! You didn't fail the most basic part!" came a shout from the usual suspects.

"Pff, yeah right, she'd probably have screwed that one up too…"

"Excuse me," again, the stranger managed to cut off what would have been another round of mockery, "Sorry to interrupt, but am I supposed to feel like I'm on fire? Because I do feel like bursting into flames right now."

They looked at the man, whose face showed mild discomfort. His right hand seemed to be shaking, however, and as he pulled off the glove it revealed the glowing shapes of runes forming on the back of his hands.

"Wot?" he looked at the unfamiliar lines. Nordic runes?

Suddenly, the instructor was right in front of him, grabbing his hand and gazing carefully at the characters. There was a look of intense concentration on the wizard's face, unchanging as the seconds ticked by.

"Err…"

Colbert didn't even look up, "Yes?"

"Can I have that back? It's mine."

"Hmm?" The teacher looked up, looked back down, and realized that the hand was still attached to a body. "Oh! Yes, right. Got a little carried was all; just standard procedure, I assure you. Ha ha ha ha…"

He released the hand, letting it fall unceremoniously to the stranger's side, and turned to address his students with a strange hurry.

"Well! The ceremony is a success, and that concludes our Springtime Familiar Summoning ceremony. Let's all get back to class now!"

Though the gathering shuffled away, Louise and her familiar remained on the grassy clearing.

With an indignant glare and displeased face, she asked, "Who are you?"

He shrugged, "Oh, I'm just a poor boy, a wanderer of the world. Nuffin' special, wot. Though, I imagine, this is the first time I've seen this place—"

"No!" her incensed screech cut him off, "I meant your name! How could you be so rude as to not give out your name?"

There just isn't pleasing this girl, it seemed, thought the tall rogue to his private longwinded commiseration. "It's Durev. My name is Garland Durev."

"What the hell kind of name is that?"

"Why goodness! It's only the one my parents gave me, and I happen to fancy it, thank you very much."

"Hmph."

Really, an inelegant name for an inelegant familiar. Just her luck…

* * *

Garland Durev. Penniless traveler of unknown age and origin.

Athletic ability: that depends on who you ask.

Grades: Not Applicable.

Duration without a girlfriend: how about we make a correction to that criterion now, darling?

Overall: presently, unimpressive and rather scruffy.

Teachers' evaluation: A hard working type, eager to learn but easily bored.

Parent's evaluation: N/A – Parents have died. God bless 'em and rest their souls.

Besides, it has been too long since he had last seen his parents. Many miles from home, a restless warrior with no true goal but the road in front of him; where ever it takes him, that is his destination.

Romantic, isn't it? The truth is far from it, however. A traveler, he was, though his destination in mind was to see few conservation sites in the Israeli city of Acre. Imagine his surprise, then, when visiting the Knights' Halls that the floor beneath him suddenly became an iridescent green disk with a curiously strong pull. It was strangely familiar, in a bad way, but he did yelp as he fell through.

Then, the next moment, he is sitting on grass, surrounded by strange people, and ordered to kneel. Not exactly the best of times, bu~t he supposed he couldn't be all that surprised. Confused and lost, yes, but that happened anytime he fell through a 'mysterious gap'. Now he was in a lantern-lit room, the abode of one Louise de la Valliere, sitting on the floor, with his back leaning against the wall. His so-called 'master' had been mostly quiet since the ritual this afternoon, and now, it was night time.

What other thoughts Garland had were interrupted as a hard roll of bread was shoved into his face. He blinked at it.

"Wot? Is that dinner? Come now, couldn't you find something more substantial?" the roll couldn't have been bigger than his palm.

"Are you complaining about my generosity, familiar?" Louise growled back in indignation.

"Nutrition, lady," he enunciated his words, as if addressing a particularly slow child. "I don't know what you're trying to prove here, but old bread won't even keep a dog running …unless it's your intent to prove that even at her most generous turn, my mistress is still just that - a miser."

"Then perhaps you can just forego having a meal!" Just as she pulled her hand back, she discovered the roll already pilfered from her grasp.

"Punishment is hardly a good way to reinforce an idea, especially in the learning stages," Garland drawled in turn, gnawing disinterestedly on the hard loaf.

"You…!" Louise was almost trembling with rage, "Don't go doing things without your master's permission!"

"Master?" Garland gave an inelegant snort. "I beg your pardon, my lady, but are you saying you're actually a BOY?"

"Rrrggghhh! Y-you insolent familiar…! I'll—!"

"Ah ha ha ha, just kidding! Just kidding, really! I'd have to be blind, if I couldn't tell that you're a member of my favorite gender."

"A…ah. Nnn…!"

"So, come now, don't make such a frightening face, lady. I'm just trying to lighten the mood some. But, seriously, we ought to clarify something here: what exactly is this Master-Familiar thing? You keep going on about it and expect me to just obey without question."

"That's…! That's what a familiar is supposed to do!" her petulant reply was as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Why, of course you listen to the master! Whatever else could you do? Silly~!

"You're still not explaining it," Garland deadpanned, finally managing to bite off a piece of the rubbery excuse that tried to pass for bread. If he were not so hungry, he would not have bothered to try extracting any nutritional value out of it at all. Beggars could not be choosers, after all.

"Fine, fine! I'll explain it," Louise sighed tiredly, adopting a pose reminiscent of a lecturing teacher: finger up, nose pointed high; it was a strangely familiar sight, "A familiar is a classic icon of a mage, an unerring servant and confidant whose purpose is to support and empower their master in their magic."

"Fascinating," again with the flat tone. "And where do I come into play, here?"

"Obviously, you are my familiar! Thus, you must listen and obey me at all times!"

_Right_. Like a broken record. "Yeah. Bollocks to that. I'm no slave for a spoiled teenybopper."

"W-w-w-w-what?" Louise looked like she got slapped in the face. With a mackerel.

There was a lot of pride in this girl, Garland noted, but then again, so did he. It helped a lot that this Louise was terrible at hiding her feelings. Like an open book, he could see rage, indignation, shock, and… fear?

"Alright, look. It's unreasonable to just outright expect me to obey. I'm neither a dog nor a horse. If you want me to do something, you ask, not demand."

"Y-y-yoooou!" the girl looked like a boiling pot. Any more, and steam would be coming out of her ears. "W-w-what m-makes you think you can talk to me like that! I am a noble of the great Valliere family! Where are you coming from to allow such disrespect?"

Again, with the stuttering problem. She must not be used to being refused.

"Well, you see, I was walking down the street when out the corner of my eye I saw a pretty little thing approaching me. She said 'I never seen a man who looks so all alone, could you use a little company? If you pay the right price, your evening will be nice, and you can go and send me on my way.' I said, 'You're such a sweet young thing; why'd you do this to yourself?' She looked at me and this is what she said—"

"Get to the point already!"

Dammit, it was getting to the good part too.

"Right, fine," Garland almost pouted, "The point I'm trying to make is that you yanked me out from a nice vacation, then start treating me like I'm sub-human. Surely you can understand why I'd be at the very least grouchy? No one likes having their vacation time cut short. If you really want to make this work, then you need to reexamine how you treat others."

_Ahh_. There was rage now. She was gritting her teeth and clenching fists so hard her knuckles were turning white.

"You stupid commoner!" Louise roared, unlike the kitten she previously was. "I should just cut you down and summon a new familiar! The next one would not be nearly as irritating or disrespectful as you! I cannot believe how utterly worthless you are!"

Garland smirked; at least they weren't demands or commands, "Better yet, I'd like to see you try, girly, and maybe, we might even have ourselves a ball together. …But, let's be realistic here, shall we? I've got standards. I've got skills. I can be a right, proper man of class, a gentleman, _that is_, when I feel up to the part."

"We established a contract! How dare you defy that sacred contract! Had you not wanted it, why would you have kneeled? This was my chance! My chance to show to the entire school that I'm not a failure or a 'zero' they all make me out to be! So why did it have to be you? I would have even taken a mouse—the headmaster has a mouse familiar! And it would listen! _So why not you_?"

Oh damn. This was some heavy stuff coming out and far earlier than he expected. Maybe he'd been probing her character a little too harshly?

Feeling a touch remorseful, the stranger relented with a sigh, "Alright. I tell you wot: it's late, and I doubt we will get anything more done tonight. I'll cooperate for tonight, but come dawn we will need to negotiate something if you want this to work."

"What?" Louise asked, confused as the anger bled out of her. He was… cooperating? The sudden swing in mood was almost dizzying.

"Go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up, and we can figure something out then. Okay?"

The girl's shoulders slumped, finally acquiescing to her situation. Wordlessly, she started to strip and prepare for bed. First the shirt, then the skirt, followed by panties and the thigh-high socks, she did not even seem to care that she was baring her full nude body to a strange man sitting on the floor.

Garland just pressed his face into his palm. It seemed the stranger would be raiding the scullery tonight for more than just a bite to eat. In fact, they had better have something mighty strong squirreled away somewhere, so he could attempt to scrub clean what cannot be unseen.

"God dammit."

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End notes: Nothing to say yet. Please review?


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